DECEMBER 22, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

23

EVENINGS OUT

'Are you bringing your ... friend to the office party?'

by Mubarak S. Dahir

This time of year can be tough on gay couples.

No, I'm not talking about the family tensions that are part and parcel of any gay or lesbian person's Christmas. I'm talking about something far more nerve-wracking: Office Party Time.

You know what I mean: There you are at the dreaded holiday office gathering, having dragged along the person you love by either lying: "C'mon! It'll be fun!" or by invoking gay guilt: "It is our social and political responsibility to make public appearances as an out gay couple."

Your well-meaning co-workers are all standing around trying just a little too hard to make you feel comfortable, which of course only makes things more awkward. From the curious stares of their spouses, you can just imagine how your office-mates must have seduced their husbands and wives into coming to the party: Either they lied: "C'mon! It'll be fun!" or they piqued curiosity: “Well, I hear the gay couple's going to show up." So there you are, with all these goo-gooeyed heterosexuals trying to be so very Noel Coward, and you realize you haven't the foggiest idea how you're going to introduce the person at your side.

Let's suppress, for the moment, the urge to blurt out, "This is the person who humps me every night," and consider the options we have as gay people when it comes to introducing to others the man or woman who humps us every night.

The most pernicious euphemism (and so, of course, the most widely used one) is the word "friend." How many times have we heard, "Feel free to bring your friend," or "Who's your friend?"—with all the nonspoken wink-wink that comes with it.

But a friend is someone with whom you share fashion tips and guess-how-big-hiswas stories, not someone who shares your toothpaste and your dirty socks.

My mom used to inquire about my male friends by asking me if a certain guy was a "special" friend. I finally got so tired of it, I told her all my friends are special, that's why they're my friends. Now she thinks I've got a far better sex life than I really do.

Of course, there's the term "lover," which at least has the word love in it. It's also a word that's somehow garnered clout in the heterosexual community when they talk about us. I think that's the main reason I don't like it: It's like the socially acceptable way to talk

about hemorrhoids in polite company.

"Husband," naturally, is out of the question, since it makes me feel like I'm trying too hard to mimic straight people. Besides, we ain't married unless he walked me down the aisle and let me toss that bouquet. "Roommate" is just too awful, evoking as it does those beer-guzzling college days.

"Partner" makes it sound like we run a law firm, or are otherwise entwined in some sort of legal transaction. "Domestic partner" is even worse: makes it sound like he comes over to scrub the toilet and take out the trash. "Boyfriend" or "girlfriend" sounds too high school. We're talking about two adults here, after all.

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"Mate" sounds like we're dogs raised for breeding, and "companion" sounds like an elderly aunt being taken on the obligatory monthly outing.

My personal list of favorites includes terms like "love slave" and "harness of happiness," plus a whole lot more guaranteed to make coworkers turn red and green for the holidays.

But if they're a little too spicy for the crowd at your office Christmas bash, you might want to try a more subtle introduction, guaranteed to comply with even the stodgiest of corporate images.

"Ladies and gentlemen," you could announce gayly, "I'd like you to meet my . little Santa's helper."

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